It's only fair after talking about the celebrations of childhood, that I share a post that is not about achievement, success, resources or advice. This is what I call one of my cathartic, just for me, wordy posts. The kind I convince myself no one reads so I can just process in words and move forward. To be honest, I'm struggling here. I've hit a point in parenting that's got me praying, seeking, searching, talking, hoping and crying for guidance. I read articles like this or this and many others searching for how to raise our boys to glorify God and want to be with Him for ever in Heaven.
God has graced me with two beautiful boys who are incredible. I have no doubts God will use my 3 year old for His great purposes. He has a strong will, persistence and don't take no for an answer personality. He's a leader, he's smart, he's creative and he views obstacles as challenges to overcome not a reason to change course or his mind. I love my son with everything God gives me in parenting. I know God equips me and my husband along the way. I've been at this impasse before from baby to toddler and now that's it's preschool to little boy, I'm lost again. It's not the first and it won't be the last transition with growing pains for our whole family. We do have a 20 month old too who I am sure will give me a run for my money with his smile, extroverted personality and charm that snares everyone around him.
I've asked moms ahead of me in this journey. I pray, I read my bible, I read parenting book after parenting book. I'm sorry to debunk the flowery sentiment but my love is not enough. Hear me out, before you shake your head. I am a selfish, broken sinner. Left to my own devices I raise my voice, I grit my teeth, I act spontaneously and re-actively. I doubt, I get insecure, I question.everything.
Every child is different. There is no systematic approach that works with every child. There is just the basic need for a Savior. There is the recognition of humbleness in the face of my child and to apologize when I fall short of the being calm, in control with faith, love and grace in responding to my child. It does not weaken my authority to admit I'm wrong. I've been a kid, I knew when my parents messed up. Me admitting it is just being honest and saying what we are both already thinking. In those moments I live out the scriptures that God is made perfect in my weakness. Because man, I. am.weak.
This isn't an all out pity party or seek of attention or passive aggressive reassurances. God gave me, like everyone else strengths, other experiences, other advice and ways to reach and comfort others. If this isn't yours, I ask for grace and to recall what yours are and treat mine with the same tenderness you'd want when you're feeling broken and helpless.
There are definite seasons of life- seasons of encouragement, joy, hope, celebration and also of discouragement, desperation and failure. Nights/ weeks/ months of interrupted sleep, days of disobedience and no naps. Minutes, hours, days of serious boot camp intense character training for both me as the parent and my children. Taking, pushing, yelling, screaming, temper tantrums, name calling, lying, rebellion, lack of cooperation, obedience. It's those moments when nothing seems to reach my child. Not tough love, not empathy, not boundaries, not the most recent parenting book approach ( love & logic, love languages, etc) It's just the commitment, loyalty, love and to the little person who you KNOW is inside there struggling too. I know my child. We spend every day together. He's capable of being sweet, caring, thoughtful, smart, resourceful, funny, playful and plain irresistible. He will ask "Are you happy, mommy?" if he hears my throat get choked up and my voice get soft because I'm trying not to cry. He has a tender hearted mommy, oh the irony. He's in there struggling alone. I feel like I don't know how to help him out of this. I am trying to walk him through these moments, to understand himself, God and the world around him and the wall is solid and heartbreaking.
I put my adult mommy boots on a trudge forward. I have a mission. I have boys to love. I have men to raise. This task is not for the weak, the lazy, the easy, comfortable. After 3 years of praying, crying, begging the Lord for a child, I have two amazing sons. I couldn't be more thankful. It was not an easy road to get here after two failed adoption attempts and a failed reproductive procedure. I pray constantly to be faithful to the calling of parenting. His light is for my path, each step. Not the entire walk way, not the future. Deep breath now step, trust, love, give. Fill myself up daily with the love of God.
There are just those seasons where adult life and parenting life are both a hard struggle. I pray to teach my children grace because it's the only way they'll ever understand Jesus. Also, because selfishly I KNOW I need it from them through out their life. Anyone can get children to obey through force, absolute authority and sternness. At my core, I believe there is a way that shows respect and love to my child in teaching, correcting and training.
Also if the majority of our interaction is just rules, correction and discipline, where is the relationship of family? If I have my guard up all day long looking for mistakes, where is the connection? There are many other nuances of communication necessary for a healthy functioning family like encouragement, listening, understanding, instruction, teaching and prayer as well as others. Warnings, rebukes and corrections are necessary especially in these younger years but they are not isolated or communicated with out love.
Our homeschool adventures with 3 boys.
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Conversations with Sons
We are a little off this week so I haven't done some of my regular posts. We are having learning time and I'll post it when I can. This morning, I'll be saying goodbye to a friend of 9 years who passed away over the weekend.
Courtesy of Crosswalk Parenting:
Courtesy of Crosswalk Parenting:
Conversations Moms Should Have with Their Sons
Whitney Hopler
Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Vicki Courtney's book, 5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son, (B & H Publishing Group, 2011).
Your motherly guidance and encouragement is vital for your son as he grows from a boy into a man. If you tell him the truth about issues that the culture lies to him about, you can help him become the person God wants him to become.
Here are five important conversations that you should have with your son while he’s growing up:
1. “Don’t define manhood by the culture’s wimpy standards. It’s okay to be a man!” Explain to your son that God created men to be distinctly different from women, so it’s okay to be the male that God made him to be rather than trying to fit any cultural mold of unisex behavior. Whenever your son fails in some way (such as in school, socially, or in sports), express unconditional love for him, which will help him understand that his worth as a man isn’t tied to how well he does or doesn’t perform. Encourage your son to take appropriate risks, so he can learn the limits of his own power. Give your son plenty of opportunities to spend time in nature, such as playing outside. Urge your son to pursue healthy adventures whenever possible, through means such as family trips, competitive sports, and community service projects. Recognize that your son needs to break away from you at various stages of growing up, so he can develop a healthy masculinity. So don’t hover too closely around him or try to rescue him from the consequences of his mistakes. Instead, let your son practice making some of his own decisions, and let him learn from his mistakes.
2. “What you don’t learn to conquer may become your master.” Teach your son how to flee from temptation and practice self-control, so he doesn’t end up becoming mastered by sin. Set up boundaries and rules that make it difficult for your son to make foolish choices. Limit your son’s exposure to peers (and their parents) whose values don’t match your own after school, to cut down on opportunities for them to corrupt your son. Steer your son toward friendships with boys who have positive values and are good role models. Prepare your son to deal with encountering temptations such as porn and alcohol by teaching him to stop before reacting and take time to think and pray about possible actions and possible consequences, so he can respond wisely to each temptation that confronts him. Talk with your son proactively about the dangers of porn, since porn is unfortunately so prevalent that it’s inevitable that he will encounter porn somehow, somewhere while growing up. Help your son understand that his current decisions will impact the quality of his life in the future.
3. “Not everyone’s having sex!”Urge your son not to believe all the locker room boasting he may hear from other guys, saying that they’re having sex and that he should, too. Ask God to help you talk with your son about sex confidently, rather than timidly. Tell your son that sex is good because God created it, and that he can look forward to enjoying sex if he saves it for the context God created it for: marriage. But frankly and specifically explain the many physical, emotional, and spiritual dangers involved in having sex outside of marriage will understand the reasons why it’s important (and even cool) to wait until marriage to have sex. Encourage your son to talk with you openly and honestly about sex, and listen without judging him so he’ll face safe talking with you about sex in the future. Keep in mind that sexual purity won’t happen just because your son makes a one-time abstinence pledge; it’ll only happen if he develops a habit of constantly submitting his choices to God’s will. So teach your son how to take captive every thought of sexual temptation before it can grow into a destructive attitude or action. If your son slips up sexually, encourage him to confess, repent, and learn from his mistake so the mistake doesn’t derail his relationship with God.
4. “Boyhood is only for a season. It’s time to grow up!” Help your son launch out of your house and into an independent place to live as soon as possible once he becomes an adult. Encourage him to get a job that pays enough to cover all of his own living expenses. If your son is dating someone who he believes God wants him to marry someday, encourage him to marry her sooner rather than later, so they can avoid a prolonged time of sexual temptation. If you’re in a healthy marriage, work with your spouse to show how to be a healthy husband. If you’re in an unhealthy marriage or divorced, accept responsibility for the mistakes you’ve made in your marriage while still speaking positively about the institution of marriage itself – to give your son hope that he can enjoy a healthy marriage one day himself. Prepare your son to live independently by gradually increasing his responsibilities and decreasing his comforts as he gets older. Teach him independent living skills such as how to cook, do his laundry, and stick to a budget.
5. “Godly men are in short supply. Dare to become one!” Help your son connect with godly men as often as possible so he can learn from them what a faithful man’s lifestyle looks like. If your son’s father is a strong Christian, encourage your son to learn from him, as well as other godly men in your family’s life. If your son’s father isn’t a good role model, make a special effort to help your son develop relationships with godly men you know, such as those from your church, sports team, or scout group. Teach your son how to be a gentleman who treats other people the way he wants to be treated. Encourage your son to serve others, be humble, and respect the women that he dates. Help your son develop the habit of engaging in spiritual disciplines (such as silent reflection, prayer, and Bible reading) that will draw him closer to God and help him mature into the kind of man that God wants him to become.
Adapted from 5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son,copyright 2011 by Vicki Courtney. Published by B&H Publishing Group, Nashville, Tn.,http://www.bhpublishinggroup.
Vicki Courtney is founder of Virtuous Reality Ministries, producing online content and hosting events across the United States for preteen and teen girls and their parents. She is the best-selling author of 5 Conversations You Must Have with Your DaughterandYour Girl,as well as the ECPA Christian Book Award winners TeenVirtueand TeenVirtue Confidential. Vicki lives in Austin, Texas, with her husband and their three children. Visit her website at: http://vickicourtney.com/.
Whitney Hopler is a freelance writer and editor who serves as both a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and the editor of About.com’s site on angels and miracles (http://angels.about.com/). Contact Whitney at:angels.guide@about.comto send in a true story of an angelic encounter or a miraculous experience like an answered prayer.
Your motherly guidance and encouragement is vital for your son as he grows from a boy into a man. If you tell him the truth about issues that the culture lies to him about, you can help him become the person God wants him to become.
Here are five important conversations that you should have with your son while he’s growing up:
1. “Don’t define manhood by the culture’s wimpy standards. It’s okay to be a man!” Explain to your son that God created men to be distinctly different from women, so it’s okay to be the male that God made him to be rather than trying to fit any cultural mold of unisex behavior. Whenever your son fails in some way (such as in school, socially, or in sports), express unconditional love for him, which will help him understand that his worth as a man isn’t tied to how well he does or doesn’t perform. Encourage your son to take appropriate risks, so he can learn the limits of his own power. Give your son plenty of opportunities to spend time in nature, such as playing outside. Urge your son to pursue healthy adventures whenever possible, through means such as family trips, competitive sports, and community service projects. Recognize that your son needs to break away from you at various stages of growing up, so he can develop a healthy masculinity. So don’t hover too closely around him or try to rescue him from the consequences of his mistakes. Instead, let your son practice making some of his own decisions, and let him learn from his mistakes.
2. “What you don’t learn to conquer may become your master.” Teach your son how to flee from temptation and practice self-control, so he doesn’t end up becoming mastered by sin. Set up boundaries and rules that make it difficult for your son to make foolish choices. Limit your son’s exposure to peers (and their parents) whose values don’t match your own after school, to cut down on opportunities for them to corrupt your son. Steer your son toward friendships with boys who have positive values and are good role models. Prepare your son to deal with encountering temptations such as porn and alcohol by teaching him to stop before reacting and take time to think and pray about possible actions and possible consequences, so he can respond wisely to each temptation that confronts him. Talk with your son proactively about the dangers of porn, since porn is unfortunately so prevalent that it’s inevitable that he will encounter porn somehow, somewhere while growing up. Help your son understand that his current decisions will impact the quality of his life in the future.
3. “Not everyone’s having sex!”Urge your son not to believe all the locker room boasting he may hear from other guys, saying that they’re having sex and that he should, too. Ask God to help you talk with your son about sex confidently, rather than timidly. Tell your son that sex is good because God created it, and that he can look forward to enjoying sex if he saves it for the context God created it for: marriage. But frankly and specifically explain the many physical, emotional, and spiritual dangers involved in having sex outside of marriage will understand the reasons why it’s important (and even cool) to wait until marriage to have sex. Encourage your son to talk with you openly and honestly about sex, and listen without judging him so he’ll face safe talking with you about sex in the future. Keep in mind that sexual purity won’t happen just because your son makes a one-time abstinence pledge; it’ll only happen if he develops a habit of constantly submitting his choices to God’s will. So teach your son how to take captive every thought of sexual temptation before it can grow into a destructive attitude or action. If your son slips up sexually, encourage him to confess, repent, and learn from his mistake so the mistake doesn’t derail his relationship with God.
4. “Boyhood is only for a season. It’s time to grow up!” Help your son launch out of your house and into an independent place to live as soon as possible once he becomes an adult. Encourage him to get a job that pays enough to cover all of his own living expenses. If your son is dating someone who he believes God wants him to marry someday, encourage him to marry her sooner rather than later, so they can avoid a prolonged time of sexual temptation. If you’re in a healthy marriage, work with your spouse to show how to be a healthy husband. If you’re in an unhealthy marriage or divorced, accept responsibility for the mistakes you’ve made in your marriage while still speaking positively about the institution of marriage itself – to give your son hope that he can enjoy a healthy marriage one day himself. Prepare your son to live independently by gradually increasing his responsibilities and decreasing his comforts as he gets older. Teach him independent living skills such as how to cook, do his laundry, and stick to a budget.
5. “Godly men are in short supply. Dare to become one!” Help your son connect with godly men as often as possible so he can learn from them what a faithful man’s lifestyle looks like. If your son’s father is a strong Christian, encourage your son to learn from him, as well as other godly men in your family’s life. If your son’s father isn’t a good role model, make a special effort to help your son develop relationships with godly men you know, such as those from your church, sports team, or scout group. Teach your son how to be a gentleman who treats other people the way he wants to be treated. Encourage your son to serve others, be humble, and respect the women that he dates. Help your son develop the habit of engaging in spiritual disciplines (such as silent reflection, prayer, and Bible reading) that will draw him closer to God and help him mature into the kind of man that God wants him to become.
Adapted from 5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son,copyright 2011 by Vicki Courtney. Published by B&H Publishing Group, Nashville, Tn.,http://www.bhpublishinggroup.
Vicki Courtney is founder of Virtuous Reality Ministries, producing online content and hosting events across the United States for preteen and teen girls and their parents. She is the best-selling author of 5 Conversations You Must Have with Your DaughterandYour Girl,as well as the ECPA Christian Book Award winners TeenVirtueand TeenVirtue Confidential. Vicki lives in Austin, Texas, with her husband and their three children. Visit her website at: http://vickicourtney.com/.
Whitney Hopler is a freelance writer and editor who serves as both a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and the editor of About.com’s site on angels and miracles (http://angels.about.com/). Contact Whitney at:angels.guide@about.comto send in a true story of an angelic encounter or a miraculous experience like an answered prayer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)